Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough.

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Episode Four:

To Best Please Me

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. MORTALS' PLACE

[Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background.]

DEMETRIUS

Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves?

[sigh]

So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no.

Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but… well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this… normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is… Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations. 

[pause]

And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena.

Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea. 

Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia. 

Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart. 

...Or something like that. I wouldn’t know. 

Erm. I guess, uh. Oh, hey, how about this? Hermia’s trying to get us all to do yoga every morning. And I mean, I’m not opposed to that! You all know I’ve been getting pretty into the kettlebell myself lately. But it feels like she’s trying to bring her insta-fluencing into our routine, mine and Helena’s, and...

[Door opens]

Ah! Lysander?

LYSANDER

Demetrius! It seems someone is at the apartment door.

DEMETRIUS

… can’t you get it?

LYSANDER

I would! But it seemed to upset my beloved Helena when I answered the door last time. And I would rather walk across hot coals than cause her any -- (distress)

DEMETRIUS

Okay! I got it!

[mutters, sound of walking]

Whoever's at the door has got to be more fun than that mess.

[Demetrius opens the door]

HELENA

Hey! Just me! Here’s your honey. It wasn’t nearly as full as you were worried, though. The bees are really becoming so friendly! I didn’t even need the helmet! 

DEMETRIUS

I told you. Patience pays off, right? 

HELENA

Is that the mic? 

DEMETRIUS

Yeah! I thought… I thought I’d make sure you didn’t have to stay up late giving extra hours of material or something. 

HELENA

Oh! Wow. Dimi, thank you, that’s so--

HERMIA

Helena! Are you back? I need your face.  

HELENA

Yeah, that sounds about right. Do you mind holding on to the mic for a little longer? Oh, and I let your Drizly delivery guy into the building! 

 

DEMETRIUS

Yeah, sure! No problem! And thank you! 

[HELENA walks away]

Wait. Not thank you. I didn’t order-- 

PUCK

[Appearing out of nowhere.]

Demetrius, right?

DEMETRIUS

[Shrill scream.]

Oh my god. Don’t do that. You’re the… Drizly guy? But I didn’t order any-- Hold on. How do you know my name? Do I know you?

PUCK

I come bearing booze!

[leans in to whisper...right at the mic]

About last time I was here...I want to make it up to you.

DEMETRIUS

You were here before?

PUCK

You're my favorite, you know.

DEMETRIUS

I am? Your favorite what?

PUCK

You've always been my favorite, and I wanted to make it up to you.

DEMETRIUS

Make what up to me? I'm sorry, who are you?

PUCK

I'm a basketcase!

DEMETRIUS

Oh...Oh! Helena in a Hand-- Got it! Basketcase! Wait. What are you making up to me?

PUCK

I've been listening?

DEMETRIUS

[looks over his shoulder]

Ah. I mean. It's not like it's your fault.

PUCK

[angelic]

Nothing is ever my fault.

DEMETRIUS

Yeah, that's. What I said.

PUCK

Anyway, I brought this for you. Oatmeal stout, right? Your favorite?

DEMETRIUS

How did you--

PUCK

I listen to the show!

DEMETRIUS

I haven’t really talked about my alcohol preferences on air. Have I?

PUCK

Of course, why wouldn't you! So this is for you, on me!

DEMETRIUS

You brought me free booze?

PUCK

Free as a bird.

DEMETRIUS

Um.

[We hear the bickering a little louder in the background as Demetrius turns toward them and thinks about it. Then he turns back.]

DEMETRIUS

Give it to me.

[pops open a beer can and takes an audible swig]

Ah, thanks man. I owe you one.

PUCK

Anything for my favorite. Enjoy!

HERMIA

[suddenly close]

Demi, settle something for us?

DEMETRIUS

[turns to her startled]

Oh h-hey, Hermia!

[oh no she's hot]

Hey! Um, when did you...

[awkward chuckle]

Heyyy. You look incredible. No wonder you’re an inspiration.

“It is not night when I do see your face,

Therefore I think I am not in the night;

Nor doth this... quarantine...lack worlds of company,

For you in my respect are all the world:

Then how can it be said I am alone,

When all the world is here to look on me?”

Scene Two

[Long, extremely pregnant pause followed by a single, high, off-key guitar note.]

OBERON

Unbelievable.

PUCK

Is it, though?

TITANIA

You know what, that’s fair. This is a lot of things, but “unexpected” is not one of them. Why do you keep letting him help?

OBERON

[Audible air quotes] Help.

PUCK

Hey, I really did help this time! You wanted me to whammy Demetrius, I whammied Demetrius!

OBERON

You were supposed to make him fall in love with HELENA!

PUCK

Isn’t he already in love with Helena?

OBERON

Stop pretending you don’t know what I mean! You were supposed to help them get together!

PUCK

I don’t recall you specifying that. You of all people should know that the fae follow the letter of the request, not the spirit. Aren’t you our king, technically?

OBERON

You have not followed the letter of my request. I said I wanted Helena to be happy. She’s been upset all day!

PUCK

You requested that Demetrius got a love potion. You hoped that Demetrius getting a love potion would make Helena happy. I’m not responsible for the fact that it made her miserable.

TITANIA

She has been miserable. Which has been a lot of food. 

[guitar, considering]

OBERON

A lot of bad food.

PUCK

Oh, come on, this might be good! This is exactly what Helena wanted! Demetrius is in love with Hermia! This should be making her happy -- but it’s not! Right now she’s probably holed up in her room, wondering why that is. The drama! The heartache! The realizations on the horizon! It’s immaculate! It’s straight out of Friends!

OBERON

Friends is a bad show! I’m not spending this whole quarantine feeding off of Friends!

[Snarky guitar]

TITANIA

[snide] Nobody likes a picky eater.

OBERON

You -- stop that, you’re mad at Puck too.

PUCK

What? No she’s not.

TITANIA

No, I am.

PUCK

Alright, worth a shot.

TITANIA

I’m mad at Puck for being a little shit, but come on. How old are you, complaining about your food?

OBERON

I see. Yesterday I’m too old, and now I’m a baby.

TITANIA

[smug cool riffing] 

You said it, not me. All I’m saying is that you’ve been around for millennia. Surely you can afford to expand your palette a little.

OBERON

I’ve already tried everything I needed to try. My palette is fine.

PUCK

Look, I’ll fix it, okay? You just need to be specific with what you want, and I’ll get it done.

OBERON

I want --

TITANIA

Woah, hold on. We’re not even at the end of the episode yet.

OBERON

What, do you think this is going to resolve itself in the next

 [pause, Oberon checks the time on the episode] 

twenty-six minutes?

TITANIA

I think that mortals are delicate and their emotions are complicated, and you should gather all the information before you send Puck hammering about like the blunt instrument he is.

OBERON

Ugh. Fine. But this conversation is not over.

PUCK

[Chipper] Of course not! Why would either of you ever let a conversation end?

[Click of the play button]

Scene Three

INT. MORTALS'...